Bare-Chested Suffering
by DancingDragonBlaze
Summary: (PNM/PNK Spin-Off) For stupid reasons, Sasuke is placed in Kakashi's care for a few hours. As they linger in each other's presence, memories are brought to the surface and realizations come to light. Yes, he failed. He failed, all of those years ago. And for years he's hated himself for it. But maybe now... the long, hard road to forgiveness can begin. KakaSasu


**Hello. :D**

**This is as stated: a spin-off. Something that should happen in the actual story but probably never will. **

**I love this. I hope you do too.**

**Promises Not Made are Promises Never Kept**

**Spin-Off :D**

**Bare-Chested Suffering**

"This is stupid."

Kakashi watched the boy idly as he paced back and forth between the older man's living-dining-room combination, sitting on the back of his couch and holding his lecherous novel loosely in one hand, thumb holding his spot.

"Calm down, Sasuke," he stated simply. "This has to happen."

"Why?!" The boy demanded, whirling to face him. Fire flashed in his eyes, and his fists were clenched at his sides. Kakashi dully wondered if he should mention the Curse Mark and its sensitivity to emotion, but ruefully decided against it. "Haku and Zabuza are not a threat! They've been loyal to the Village Hidden in the Mist for two years-!"

"Loyal for two, disloyal for how many?" Kakashi interrupted pointedly, raising an eyebrow and making Sasuke sigh in exasperation. "They're not going to be harmed, Sasuke. Questioning them is just going to make the elders feel better. When they're done, they'll be released. Until then, you need a guardian to be in the village, so I'm watching you." He smirked a little. "To my utmost displeasure, I assure you."

"While Inaré is off romping with Sakura? That's so not fair!" Sasuke steamed as he circled restlessly, his hair wrapped up high on his head and falling into a ponytail. "Why isn't she being questioned? Why aren't _I _being questioned?"

"Oh I'm sure you're next," his old teacher replied nonchalantly, opening up his book and starting to read again. "And I'm sure they've got someone watching her too. When they're ready they'll ask for her." Though even as he spoke, the mental image of the elders 'questioning' her by making her wear a bikini and strut around for a while made him silently giggle. The girl was… gifted, and there was no denying that. How Sasuke managed to keep his hands off that piece of tail as often as he did never ceased to amaze the older man.

Sasuke sighed and shook his head, walking over to the small dining table and pushing himself up to sit on top of it. Book still open, Kakashi raised his eyes and silently surveyed the younger ninja as the boy scowled and turned his head, averting his eyes downwards as his legs kicked restlessly. For a moment, Kakashi saw the frustrated, lonely ten-year-old boy he had lost in that face, and he felt his heart ache.

And yet… that wasn't the same boy sitting in front of him.

"How did they do it?" He asked quietly, his tone making Sasuke look up at him curiously. "You were so damaged… in so much pain, hell-bent on revenge, full of hate… how did they manage to make you like you are?"

Sasuke blinked at him questioningly for a moment before smiling in both sadness and quiet joy, looking down at the hands he held in his lap.

"There are nights…" he began softly, "after the sunset is particularly red, when I close my eyes and I see his face." Kakashi knew immediately who he was talking about, and his eyes narrowed. _Itachi. _Sasuke shrugged, still with that smile. "But then, when I wake up, I see theirs." _Haku and Zabuza. _Raising his eyes, he locked gazes with Kakashi. His smile was serene, but still just a little sad. "I'm still damaged, Kakashi. They just…" another shrug, "they found a way to glue me back together."

Kakashi nodded, and he realized there was deep jealousy settling inside his heart at those words.

_It should've been ME. _

"I'm sorry."

The words were out before he could stop them, and he found himself blushing beneath his mask as Sasuke cocked his head at him curiously. Kakashi bit his lip angrily, took a moment to regain himself, and took in a breath.

_Well, it's out there. Might as well keep going. _

"I'm sorry for… not being there," Kakashi reluctantly continued. "It should've been me… to take you in and help you. I failed you." He shrugged, unable to look at Sasuke as he averted his eyes. "And I'm sorry."

Well, this was awkward. As the silence stretched, Kakashi could feel his heart pressing at the back of his jaw, and try as he might to swallow it back down it wouldn't budge. Almost angry at the continued quiet, he nervously raised his eyes to look at the boy.

That soft, almost serene smile was for Kakashi and Kakashi alone this time, and Sasuke's eyes shone as he gazed at the older man. Such an expression was ungodly foreign to the older ninja, and he found his cheeks getting hot again as he looked down at his forgotten book.

Fighting from fidgeting, he waited for Sasuke to say something. When he didn't, Kakashi found he couldn't sit there anymore beneath that gaze and stood, silently walking down the single hallway to the single unkept bedroom.

_Why did I say that? _He asked himself as he closed the door behind him, missing the lack of click as the door failed to completely shut. _I just made a total fool of myself. Why did I do that? Why did I say that? Fucking idiot._

Frustrated, Kakashi took his sweater off, tossing it onto his bed to reveal the black undershirt. Sighing, he pulled it out of his pants and yanked it off too.

"Dumbass," he muttered angrily to himself as he did. He turned towards the dirty mirror that rested against the wall and paused. Sighing, he gazed at himself, lifting a hand to touch one of the many scars that littered his torso. "Good ninjas are spotless…" he murmured, remembering something his teacher used to say. "Great ninjas have had their share of pain…" Then he chuckled. "And useless ninjas have lost a limb."

_Once you've felt the agony of a blade in your flesh, you do everything you can to avoid repeating the experience. _

_Sasuke, if one were to look at you… __**really **__look at you… would they see scars?_

_Or just the shadows of them?_

"Kakashi…"

Warm hands touched his back, and he jumped a little, about to turn to see the person behind him, but arms slid themselves beneath his own and tiny fingers touched his chest softly. Kakashi felt his heart flutter in his chest at the touch.

"I'm sorry," Sasuke breathed softly, resting his face against Kakashi's back as they merely stood there in front of the mirror. They were turned slightly sideways towards it, and Kakashi looked down to see Sasuke's reflection in the mirror, but Sasuke wasn't looking into it. His eyes were closed, with a soft smile on his face as far as the older ninja could tell. "I should've answered you. I was just…" he opened his eyes a little, looking at the ground by the mirror's base. "It's still so hard for me to believe that you've known me for so long. That we've known each other on such a level. For my entire life I was told that you were some pervy, sarcastic hermit that really never had the ability or desire to connect with anyone. When my father talked about you, it was always with a scowl. And as your student…" Kakashi felt him sigh against his back. "You were just some weird old man that used sodomy as a form of ninja-style assault. Which I found hilarious, but still. Weird." Kakashi had to chuckle at that memory. It seemed like such a long time ago. "It's just… I have to adjust a little bit, that's all. I suddenly feel like we're… much more personal than we actually are, and…" he shrugged a little bit, still holding Kakashi. "…and I'm not entirely sure if I'm okay with that."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, turning to look at the boy and making Sasuke disengage from him.

"Really now?" He asked incredulously as he looked down at Sasuke, mask still intact around his face. "And that hugging thing just now? That wasn't personal at all?"

Sasuke smiled a little in embarrassment, glancing down to the floor before lifting his eyes back up.

"I'm not entirely sure if I'm okay with it," he reiterated simply with a soft smile. "Doesn't mean I'm completely against it." Then his eyes flickered down to Kakashi's chest and he blinked, raising an eyebrow. "Oh." Blinking, Kakashi looked down as Sasuke raised a hand, touching an ugly scar that sat almost at the center of his broad chest. "I've never seen this before. Come to think of it…" Sasuke then started to drink in the entirety of Kakashi's chest, his fingers drifting across Kakashi's skin as he gazed at the man's torso in awe, the skin and muscles beneath hardened and rough from years of service. "I've never seen any of these before." The Jounin felt bare beneath the boy's gaze, and he looked away nervously, but at the same time he felt oddly flattered by the way Sasuke methodically touched each blemish, as if honoring each memory with the touch. But eventually, his eyes went back to the one on Kakashi's chest, a cruel, ragged thing that had obviously been stubborn in the healing process, and he touched it again – so softly as if he feared any pressure too great would reopen the wound and Kakashi would bleed all over again. "It looks like it hurt."

"Not really," Kakashi replied, even though they both knew it was a lie. "It happened a long time ago."

Sasuke's eyes flickered up to him, and their eyes locked with the boy's fingers still resting on the scar tissue.

"I'm sorry," he breathed. For a long moment they simply looked at each other, and suddenly Kakashi found himself scooping Sasuke up in his arms until he was holding the boy around his hips with his arms wrapped completely around the boy's waist. Sasuke let out a soft gasp, raising his hands to hold Kakashi's jaw in between them as their eyes remained locked, his head now just slightly higher than the older ninja's. Their breathing intermingled, and as one their hearts skipped a beat.

The mask still separated them. Sasuke knew that was the only reason why the older man hadn't started kissing him yet, and for a long moment they simply remained there, eyes locked and Sasuke suspended in Kakashi's arms, fighting with themselves and what they wanted to do compared to what was right.

Sasuke took a deep, shaky breath, and finally severed the connection of eye contact. Kakashi closed his eyes and mentally kicked himself – for what, he wasn't entirely sure yet – as he relaxed his hold on the boy. Slowly, Sasuke slid down a little bit, but he raised his arms and wrapped his arms around Kakashi's neck, resting his face against the man's chest, atop the scar.

Softly, Kakashi sighed, and he tried to calm his frantically beating heart as he moved them to the bed, gently setting Sasuke atop it.

Sasuke slid from Kakashi's grasp, settling down onto the bed as Kakashi lay down next to him.

He knew what stood in between them. Kakashi knew far too well. Where he had failed, Haku and Zabuza had succeeded, and he didn't deserve Sasuke in the way they did.

"You've grown so much," Kakashi told him quietly as they gazed at each other, about half a foot in between their torsos but their heads right next to each other. Sasuke's hair spilled around them like a loyal serpent. "I'm sorry I…" he shrugged hopelessly. "You're a child. I shouldn't have-"

"I am many things, Kakashi," Sasuke replied, cutting him off softly. "But a child is not one of them."

Kakashi smiled, and even though it wasn't obvious Sasuke knew he was doing it because then he smiled back, and a mutual understanding rested comfortably between them. They lay there, next to each other, torsos separated but knees touching, as Sasuke's arm rested across his stomach and Kakashi moved his arm to drape it across Sasuke's belly, his fingers gracing the boy's back. They stared into each other's eyes, at each other's faces, and it seemed like the past fourteen years of history were settling around them like a thick stone wall against all intruders.

"Do you wonder what would've happened if my father hadn't written that will?" Sasuke asked softly after a long moment as he gazed at the older man. "If you had been allowed to be my guardian?"

Kakashi's smile was grim then, and he shrugged.

"Every moment of every day," he breathed guiltily, making Sasuke purse his lips as he gazed at the older man. "I used to beat myself up all the time as to why I didn't fight the system harder – if I could've fought the system any harder than I did. I quit Anbu, hid myself in my house for almost three years, almost drank myself to death. Then I finally managed a way to help you. And then just like that… you _died_. I couldn't-" he stopped himself short, looking away and turning himself so that he faced the ceiling instead of Sasuke. He couldn't bear to continue – he couldn't even bear to look at the boy. His failure settled like a crushing weight upon his chest, and even though he tried to tell himself that Sasuke was okay, that boy he had watched over was _okay,_ that still didn't change the fact that he had _failed_ all those years ago. Sasuke seemed to realize this, and scooted over to be right next to him, settling his head on the man's chest.

"I'm here now," he murmured comfortingly, hugging Kakashi with his one available arm before reaching up touching the scar again. Kakashi, pouting, lifted his arm and wrapped it across Sasuke's back, stroking the skin on the boy's arm. "I'm here."

"I know," Kakashi responded gently, Sasuke's body warm and real and _alive_ against him. "And it's still so… weird."

Sasuke laughed a little, outlining the perimeter of the scar with a finger.

"What happened there?" He asked softly, finally asking the question that had first come to mind when he had seen the old wound. Kakashi sighed.

"Nothing I wasn't asking for," he replied honestly. "It happened six years ago. The night your parents died."

Sasuke's eyes widened, and he raised his head to look down at Kakashi in awe, silently wondering if…

"Itachi?" He breathed softly – almost in fear. Kakashi, not answering immediately, raised his hand and pressed it against Sasuke's head, bringing the boy back down to rest against him.

"Yes," Kakashi whispered honestly as Sasuke closed his eyes, hearing the man's heart beat in his ears. "It was Itachi."

_It was raining. It was raining and it was dark and cold and he just couldn't understand WHY-_

"_Why did you do this, Itachi?!" He cried amidst the thunderclaps. "Why did you kill them? Your mother, your father, everyone! How could you do this? What about Sasuke-?!"_

"_I TOLD you to take care of him, Kakashi," Itachi told him icily, blood splattered all over his Anbu uniform and dripping sword in hand. "And yet you're here, fighting me." He grit his teeth. "Already, you've failed."_

_Kakashi felt his blood run cold at those words, but that didn't stop him from revealing his own Sharingan and charging forward, straight towards the murderer that left Sasuke cold and alone and covered in his parents' blood-_

"_I won't fail at killing you!" The man roared as birds screeched up and down his arm, the noise of his Chakra drowning in the fury of the rain. _

_But he did. _

_Itachi dodged him. So painfully, infuriatingly easily, and Kakashi's eyes widened as that blade sank itself into his chest, ripping open his torso as blood jettisoned all over his face and in his eyes. _

_Sasuke's tear-stained face in his mind, Kakashi hit the ground with a sickening thud, coughing raggedly as he did. _

_But he knew he would live. Itachi had given him a mission, and the teen would not let him simply walk away from it just because he didn't succeed the first time._

_Itachi, holding the sword that was still in Kakashi's chest, knelt over Kakashi, his red eyes flashing._

"_You love him, don't you Kakashi?" He asked softly. "So many years after you were forbidden from seeing him again, and yet my little brother has been the only human being you've ever been able to connect with after so long. How sad." Yet his voice was cold. "That's why I know you'll take care of him. Do not fail me again, Kakashi."_

_Then he was gone. And when the medic ninjas arrived, Kakashi was half-dead, his heart hanging halfway out of his chest and Sasuke's crying face behind his eyes with Itachi's last words echoing like the words of God in his ears..._

Sasuke was silent for a long moment, and they simply lay there together as he thought.

"So… you chased after Itachi… just to get a sword in the chest?" He raised himself up again, looking down at Kakashi. "You could've died. He could've killed you. You knew you were no match, but you went after him anyway." He gazed at Kakashi in awe. "Why?"

The older man smiled softly at him, and he raised a hand to touch Sasuke's face gently, going from fingertips and spreading out to palm. Sasuke closed his eyes, leaning into the touch. When he did, Kakashi felt a hollowness grip him. A raw, angry hollowness but at the same time such an unbearable, painful joy.

There he was, in Kakashi's hands, at his fingertips, in his grasp… and yet…

He belonged to someone else.

Someone else who had succeeded where he hadn't. Someone who deserved that smile and those eyes that carried more wisdom and more kindness than Kakashi ever truly remembering seeing in another human being. The awareness of such a great loss made Kakashi feel empty. But at the same time, Sasuke wasn't dead in a ditch somewhere. He was alive, he was healthy, he was well… and he knew _love_. Someone had picked up the shattered pieces that Kakashi had clumsily, foolishly dropped, and painstakingly glued them back together, piece by ragged piece.

And with that knowledge, he felt a fierce joy that hurt him to experience.

At his sigh, Sasuke's eyes fluttered back open and he looked at the man again.

"_Why?"_

"Because I love you," Kakashi breathed softly. Sasuke blinked and then smiled, the expression almost too brilliant to be real, and Kakashi could feel moisture beading at the corner of the boy's eyes as he turned his face into Kakashi's large palm, pressing himself against it as he held himself up next to the man. Kakashi knew that Sasuke wasn't his, but at the same time, he knew Sasuke loved him too. Separate, but always together.

Maybe, with that… the long, hard road to forgiving himself could begin.

_To me, you were worth it._

_This suffering._

**End Spin-Off**

**Bare-Chested Suffering**

**Waaaaaaaah! *sniff***

**I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

**Tell me so?**

**Much love,**

**DDB**


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